I haven’t written a blog entry in what seems like ages. I think my day job has sucked all inspiration out of me to the extent that I feel no motivation to share my insights online. The unfortunate result is my shirking my blog writing responsibilities. I write this entry as an attempt to break free from the routine of the work day and the effects it has on my psyche. A continued effort would reflect a considerable level of success in that endeavour. Time will tell.
It is most appropriate that I am writing this blog entry while at work. I never thought I would use “work time” for my personal activities, as it just seemed too unethical. But when you are driven to it by your employer based on poor management or lack of work, you must either take advantage of the time to complete other non-work-related tasks or forever wallow in the empty misery that is an office job without work or purpose. Mid-level government jobs not only encourage the use of idle work time for personal gain, they essentially require it. While my guilt levels are decreasing the longer I “play” at work, my restlessness increases and I start to sink into dangerous thoughts, with a painful common thread called “purpose”.
But let’s not go there. This post will hopefully be a start toward considering choices I have, can or will make that help me get out of this rut. I have already been proactive in my life by finding new ways in which I can interact with others and take on social activities that can improve my self and my attitude towards my life. For example, I recently joined a curling league in an effort to rediscover competitive sports and connect better with my community (i.e., meet some new friends). I haven’t played organized sports since I was a child, and each time my parents signed me up for one, I would quit shortly thereafter. I hated them. I’m not the competitive type, nor am I exactly a “natural” at sports. That is to say, I was usually the last one chosen for a team during gym class, and quite frankly, I wished I was never chosen at all. Most sports I find either boring or futile and I don’t understand (nor do I appreciate) the intensity and involvement of the fans. Joining curling was a difficult decision as I knew it was going right up against who I am fundamentally and it confronted some of my deep set fears. I knew it was going to be a great challenge. In truth, I had no choice but to sign up, as I knew that I was embarking on an adventure in which the personal and psychological advantages would warrant the potential awkwardness of joining a new social group alone, the humiliation of falling on my ass numerous times on the ice, and the unwelcome frustration I often feel when playing competitive sports.
I’m not good at curling. At least, not yet. The first clinic and practice were successful, but there was a lot of falling on the ice and almost entirely missed shots. It’s a recreational league, so I think I’m covered. As long as I’m not the worst curler on the ice, I think I will be ok. Well, I probably will be ok even if I am the worst.
This is my first effort then at trying to see if life with a boring office job can be sustainable in my life. Perhaps I can fill the rest of my waking hours with activities that will distract from the fact that I work a job with little to no impact on the world (at least in the day-to-day) or at least will complement the time in such a way that it doesn’t bother me as much. If I fail, I’ll have to reevaluate my life choices (or life direction) and decide whether it makes sense continuing down this path if it is incompatible with who I am.
However, I can’t help but feel that this blog post has been extremely self-centred and self-serving. I need to find purpose in my life that reflects my values and makes a difference, however small, to what matters to me most. But like I said, let’s not go there.